| making sense |
[18 Jul 2007|02:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dj encore - i see right through to you |
] |
for the first time in a long time, i have a brilliant thought... i said to a friend:
[02:10] kharma creature: it's easier to just let things happen.. and to not fight it.
[02:10] kharma creature: i've been fighting for so long on so many things that i cannot control.. that i'm just letting it be what it is.
eureka!
finally... i step down and let someone else lead the dance - i've been trying so hard to be in lead that i keep stepping all over my own and everyone elses feet. sometimes things just have to be what they are. i can finally let go of the sand that's in my hands - it was slipping out anyway.. might as well make a sandcastle.
i think i'm happy. which is amazing for me - really.
also.. i'm back writing in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) kharma_creature.
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| want, need, have-have nots |
[15 Jul 2007|10:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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dead zone on tv |
] |
i don't want to live my life affraid to lose him... affraid of my thoughts,words, or actions.. i'm terrified all the time that i'm going to do or say something that he doesn't like and he'll just push me out and push me away.. i feel like he has to be in control of every situation - that somehow i've given him all of this power over me and it has to stop. i'm a basketcase most of the time because i'm affraid to lose him. truth be known, i've already lost him. even if i didn't - i don't want to live my life this way.
somedays i'm really okay.. i'm moving on with some things i've been stuck on. i'm moving on with what makes me happy, what fulfills me. writing this book is one of the best things i've ever started and plan on finishing.
i love michael with all of my being.. there has to be a happy medium.. i feel like i give so much, i give what i have and what i can.. and then it's just blank on the other side. he doesn't trust me, and i know that. i haven't really given him much to trust me. i understand where he's comming from. but if he will never trust me, then he should move on without me. i know i've done some terrible wrongs - but i also know that i'm sorry for what i've done and i'm trying to change my behavior and who i've been in the past. i know it will take time for him to forgive me, i know this... but if he can't.. maybe he shouldn't have me in his life?
i really wish i could just sit down and have a real conversation about our past, present, and future. i'd like to know where i stand. i feel like i'm putting part of me on hold because i'm waiting to see what he wants. i know that i want to be with him and i'm compromising who i am just to wait and see if he possibly still wants me.
somewhere i know that this is unrealistic. i feel that even if he did want me, he wouldn't take me back because he knows his parrents wouldn't approve. all they know is i cheated on their son. i guess if i were in their position, i would be a little closed minded too. i can't blame them. i know that i'm a good person though. a person who wants to make things right within herself and the relationships arround her. i am better than judgement.
i know once i write and publish this book - that a lot of people might not look twice my way. some people are going to be in complete shock, or possible denial - but i can't censor my life anymore.
i have to free myself from these chains that i and other people have placed on me. either you will love me for who i am or hate me for who i was. i cannot force anyone to like me or be on my side. i will be bearing all of my secrets and that will leave me very vulnerable. i'm terrified of doing this - but also liberated.
god.. i just wish he would have one serious conversation with me without getting angry or walking away. i just want to talk about everything - how he feels, what he thinks, where we are going. maybe it's just going to take time... maybe. maybe i should be.. maybe i should wait until he's ready.. but i can't wait forever. i need to stand up for myself - and if that includes me losing him.. then it's as it feels - that i don't have him at all. i love him.
we'll see where time and life takes us...
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| anxious future self |
[14 Jul 2007|07:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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scrubs on tv |
] |
...we (scott,melinda,and i) are moving into a townhome at the end of this month off of wendover ave. i'm more than nervous about this move.. it's completely out of my safety net.. i'll be away from the things that i love.. those being people i care about and tate st. now, i'll have to be extra careful with how much i drink when i go to NYP - because i'll be driving home afterwards.. so maybe drink early on.. then drink water afterwards - or in general don't drink and drive.. which is something i feel very strong about.
i love the tate st. area - and honestly, if i had the finances - i would stay here... but i don't. what else do i say.. i'm just feeling awkward about the changes my life are taking.. and where i'll end up.
part of my book is going to focus on psychiatric medication - who needs it, who doesn't.. if i need it or if i don't.. part of that will include me weening my way off of the drugs - and trying to cope with my emotions through talk therapy and mental/physical work on my part. we'll see where i end up. maybe i need the meds and maybe i don't. it's been so long since i've been off of meds that i'm not sure where they end and i begin.
i plan on having my debts paid and living back in this area in 2 years. by then, i hope that i'm well on my feet. i know what i have to do to succeed - and now i just have to get over the fear of being successful.. because right now i have nothing to lose by trying to be the best that i can be.. (no army jokes please). i.. just have to change - i have to be someone that i know i am but have been too affraid to be. right now, i'm on the bottom - and i can see the top clearly and i can see all the little places inbetween.. and no it doesn't all look that good - but they're just mild disturbances which i can easily recover. i think, i know, i can do this.
"have a little faith in me - have a little faith in me"
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| more contemplation |
[13 Jul 2007|12:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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vnv nation |
] |
so.. i'm thinking about my book - typing down some history and i get this strong wave of anxiety come over me. i'm thinking about all the confessions i need to make.. how this won't look so good on my family. i mean... who can write a book about how many trials ones accomplished without some deep introspection from ones past? past including my parrents, my siblings, etc. i'm affraid of how bad this will make my family look - but i have to get it out. i keep thinking that i'm going to be disowned.. and how..even if that happens, it's not like i'm losing much.. i mean, i know that sounds bad but worse comes to worse.. and my family just pushes me away. i figure i'll have my mom's bills paid off and get her living somewhere comfortably if the book does well. how could my mom argue with that logic? of course i know you can't buy people off... i'm just saying.
this book is going to be hard to write... comming across all of my demons is going to be a task.. i can no longer hide underneath my facade - i will be naked. i will be bare. either people can love me or hate me - it will be black and white here on out... i'm worried.
i remember as a little girl i always wanted to be special, unique, loved, something. i remember ways i would contemplate on how to get attention.. i learned bad techniques at an early age. i remember jenny jumped from the porch into a large fish tank and sliced her legs up real good.. and she got lots of attention over that.. so i sliced open my feet.. yeah.. i was a child when i did this.
i remember seeing this awful lifetime movie on tv where this child was sexually molested by her father and the teacher found out cause this little girl started bleeding while sitting on her lap.. repulsive movie if you ask me.. i used to think - if i was molested then someone would pay attention to me... to regretting feeling that way once i was raped. i then understood this movie all to well.
simply repulsive! i went from desperately wanting attention to praying to god to make me dissapear. i no longer wanted attention. i would wear huge clothes to hide my body away while turning into a woman. i hated being a girl. i didn't want any oogling eyes upon me. i was sick.
this is just one of many stories i have inside of me to tell... i hope it's worth it.
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| contemplation |
[10 Jul 2007|11:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
playlist |
] |
i sit here and wonder how many of us are walking zombies in life... how many of us are just going through the movements, following paths that people see fit for us to walk down - but not really places that we want to be. how many of us just are going through the motions.. does life , actual LIVING make a difference.. and how can you be sure that you are living? what is the definition of life?
i don't know how i've come to this conclusion... but in my absence from a real job, i've started thinking. i've been given this opportunity to get my shit together. i've yet to work on any real mental health issue, i'm pumped full of mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics - i have a therapy appointment once a week/generally.. i've been in therapy and on meds for as long as i can remember.. yet, i'm still considered disabled, i still have flash backs of negative things that have happened as a child (ptsd). i still suffer from anxiety, and have been medicated for it.. however, lately i've been seeing that i don't need meds for that.. that if i just take a time out and breathe, my anxiety gets a little better. that's not always the case though..
i just want to live a normal life. i want to live a healthier more spiritual life. i don't want to always be dependent on medications. i flip flop between knowing what's right for me.. if i'm better off taking meds or am better off not. i know some people who litterally could not function if they were not on the meds that they take.. but, for some reason, i see myself as being part of a body that doesn't necessarily need medications. i see it as a get rich quick scheme that the government has profitted. lets tell everyone that they need medication and our pharmaceutical companies will skyrocket and we will profit!
i, personally, am tired of seeing commercials for depression, anxiety, and insomnia. here - you have this xyz problem and look! we have a medication for it! part of me thinks that the problems that we see today are example from medications we're already taking, or the food we are ingesting.
hell... did anyone 20 years ago have RLS (restless leg syndrome)? i mean, com on! i'll say this.. i never had that creepy crawly feeling until the last couple of years and i certainly think it's medication related. how do i proove otherwise?
i'm just rambling now.. but seriously - how many of us REALLY need to be put on medications? we should believe in our will. on some level.. i think we are in control of our bodies and minds. i'm not saying if you are sick not to take medication - i'm simply stating that - not everything needs 2 pills and call the doctor in the morning.
a conclusion and a beginning for me is... i've had ample ammount of time to think about my life and what i want for myself. in times that i think of this - most often than not - i push the thought aside and keep pretending that i don't need to be an active participant in my own life. not true... i'm alive and therefor need to be just that, ALIVE. with this.. i have decided that i'm going to write a book about my hardships.. and in this book i will find healing and can write about a happy beginning.. cause tomorrow is just that, it is a new day and a new life. everyday is a beginning - not an ending.
i'm going to start by interviewing my mom... i'm adopted, so i have questions about my adoption and what happened, etc. now, i just have to pin my mom to a day of talking about my birth and adoption.. of the parts of my life which are hazy to me.. and is something she remembers.
i have a lot of work ahead of me.
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| is this life? |
[25 Jun 2007|03:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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silence |
] |
i'm trying to figure out what exactly is it that i did with the last year of my life...?
why is it that we grieve the way we do? being angry, to a complete sobbing basketcase, to being numb, or no way at all. i really need to open up my new book and just get through it. i know you're thinking.. "like a book could solve your problems..." i mean REALLY - if a book could solve all of our problems... we'd all be slim rockstar millionares. i don't doubt the book could increase my healing rate. i don't want to be destructive already.
it makes me sad how hidey/hidie our feral cat goes to the door and just peers out knowing another life (pumkin does the same but he's very much domesticated now and it doesn't feel the same) - one in which she didn't have to hide. i guess i'm a lot like her.
i want a normal life in which i can live in my life style without my signifcant others parrental judgement. i want a marriage. i'm ready to work on monogamy, not drinking or drugging to bad judgements. i'm working with a drug therapist right now. that's the last place i ever thought i would be... but my past prooves otherwise.
you would think i'd be doing a lot of journaling right now... but i'm absent from words.
so whatever you get out of me here..is pretty much the lot of it.
and why is it.. you suddenly become single and you have a nasty swarm of men attack you like bees to honey?
anyway.. i'm out.. catch you later.
this is no fun.
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| illyria |
[12 Jun 2007|01:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 grumpy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
christina aguliera - hurt |
] |
she's just a girl in someones shell. she doesn't understand this world..... she once ruled this domain and now she is dimenished into a mortal body. she is confused and doesn't understand how humans took over when all that were here were demons.
she has hollowed out a girl who loved life - she is pessimistic, sarcastic, and for lack of a better term, a bitch. she would break you in half with her powers and not give it a second thought.
she may not realize this, but she is fragile, she has weaknesses and she doesn't know how to deal with them. who will lead her? guide the way of how humans interact.. how can he explain the violence that we place upon each other? how can he explain poverty and pain? how can he explain that a good percentage of people would rather die, move on, go somewhere else? she understands none of this... she still see's herself as a god-king with no kingdom left.
they thought they were observing her - but it was her observing them. what will she figure out?
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| because ashley has a cool video on her myspace |
[09 Jun 2007|02:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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jolene |
] |
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Im begging of you please dont take my man
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Please dont take him just because you can
Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green
Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, jolene
He talks about you in his sleep
Theres nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name, jolene
And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you dont know what he means to me, jolene
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Im begging of you please dont take my man
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Please dont take him just because you can
You could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
Hes the only one for me, jolene
I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, jolene
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Im begging of you please dont take my man
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Please dont take him even though you can
Jolene, jolene
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| tears |
[27 May 2007|10:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hinder - better than me |
] |
i am soo sad.
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| greensboro |
[23 May 2007|12:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
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hinder - better than me |
] |
i really love greensboro sometimes... i finally went downtown on elm street to that new fountain park... lots of neat little fountains.. beautiful, serene.. met this guy brian down there - he had been trying to hang out like forever.. i finally gave in and told him i'd meet him somewhere.. it was alright.. the park was gorgous.. it was weird company though cause we don't know each other that well.. even from online.. plus our personalities are quite different.. i didn't really feel like i could open up and tell him what was going on with me.. i mean, maybe he felt comfortable.. but i felt a little out of my element.
i wanted to go to those fountains with michael.. and still had full intentions on doing so - but brian couldn't find tate st. so it was the closest local that i could think of..
i still wonder if michael and i will go.. it will be more significant then, i think.
if nothing else..i know i enjoy them and can take others there to enjoy them as well.. they are public after all.
i have A LOT on my mind since my birthday weekend (last weekend).. i had a great birthday.. i had some great suprises.. and then i had some very unexpectant susprises that i am very happy over but also very confused over.. something i really wanted and something that i really want.. but i'm not sure it's going arround the appropriate or right way..i hope there's some mutual respect there.. i hope.
this is another topic for a private journal though... right now.. i'm going to try to get tired so i can get up for my 9am therapy session.. that lasts until noon.. probably come home and nap.. then hang out with the ashley girl.
so yeah..there's my update.
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| the train is still not moving... |
[21 May 2007|12:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hinder - better than me |
] |
i'm all weird again. i'll work this out. i'll figure it out. i'm going to try to go back to bed for a bit.... see if i sleep until my appointment time. therapy should be interesting tomorrow... even though i don't want to talk. i sort of just want to dissapear honestly.
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| my birthday... |
[19 May 2007|06:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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kelly clarkson - never again |
] |
i think my birthday went pretty well... i didn't go to therapy today, i slept in until about 9:30pm.. i think my body was catching up on all the sleep dept that i had recently gone through.. i did however, get up for a few hours to spend time with the girls (maya and ri).. we went to our favorite mexican resturant.. ate, talked, maya gave me a kick ass pair of earrings.. then we went out to their place for a while.. i came home napped again - til 9ish.. austin called me and was like.. want us to come over.. and i was like SURE.. so there were more birthday suprises.. i got a beautiful disgloic glass ring and a bueatiful card and we went out and partied until like NOW.. i'm at home now though. scott gave me $20 and did the dishes which is freaking awsome! melinda did most of the bathroom.. which is also freaking awsome! we have a new shower curtain and all. the daylight is comming up and i have a visitor that's traveling 2 to 2 1/2 hours to see me somewhere arround 2pm.. we're gonna hang out all day.. go to a few parks.. and then whatever falls into our laps while we're out.. i'm sure we'll get into. i intend of all of my friends meeting and having a good night together.. we need one of those.
i have a lot of thoughts right now.. michael was a total sweetie and left me a dozen of red roses on my front doorstep as a happy birthday present.. it really touched my heart. it was a very sweet geasture. i'm finally feeling a little sleepy.. hopeing i don't oversleep.. i know i need to bleach my hair and dye it.. i think i'm going to shave it all off and give myself a chealsy.. i look good with a shaved head as long as i have some babybangs.. it should be interesting. this whole weekend has been and should be interesting.
i do have longing thoughts.. i can't just sweep them aside as much as i'd like to.. one day.. one day at a time.. one step at a time.. one breath at a time..
i know (now being saturday).. that i need to get up, drink an assload of coffee, shower, bleach and dye my hair.. finnish cleaning up.. the bathroom is totally done.. but i need to take the kitty litter out and deoadorzie that.. i'm a horrible speller btw.
i have people willing to help me with my tattoo fund.. that's really cool of them. i'm not touching it for the world.. even if i'm penniless and starving.. i will get this tattoo damnit! ;)
so much to say.. really.. life has been very interesting for me lately.. i could really use to bounce some good ideas off austin and ashley.. they've been part of my biggest support group.. outside of melinda and scott.. in which i live with.. so i see them a little more often.
i'll write again soon, i promise. love you all.. and thankyou for everyone who wished me happy birthday.. either here or on myspace.. it goes appreciated.
i love you and you know who you (plural) are!
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| whatever |
[13 May 2007|08:57pm] |
|
you know what... it doesn't fucking matter. okay? okay.
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| keep kharma alive/fund (once again) |
[11 May 2007|10:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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hinder - better than me |
] |
EDIT
the blogs are in my myspace - which is located on my profile. thankyou.
being honest here...
the only thing that is keeping me alive right now is the fact that i want new ink - that and there are soo many concerts i want to go to.
my birthday is may 18th.. all i want is a simple couple of words tattooed on my body.. this shouldn't cost over $75 to $100... if everyone would chip in... it would be like nothing at all.. ya know.
sounds shitty that i sound like a beggar.. but it's the only thing i'm looking forward to.
after my birthday, i'm looking forward to either inpatient hospitilization or outpatient therapy.. but my friends are trying to get me to stay in patient. i just didn't feel like we covered enough that we needed to cover in there. there wasn't enough one on one.. everyone was nice.. but the only thing i got was a few days outside of my house.
if you don't know anything about what's going on.. go back to almost the begnning of my blogs and read them.. if you care.
anyhow.. thankyou for whatever support you can offer me. love, kharma
(i have a couple offers.. but not sure how much.. just let me know if you can chip in anything 5 bucks or something.. i need to tip the guy also.. my bday is may 18th.. but i can wait a little while later if need be) love you!
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| oh my god |
[06 May 2007|02:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hinder - better than me |
] |
this song makes me think of michael and i cry everytime i hear it.. but i just watched the fucking video and it ripped my heart out.. fuck.
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| gods please help me |
[06 May 2007|02:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
kelly clarkson - never again |
] |
i got 2 1/2 hrs of sleep last night... i'm shaking like crazy and my heartbeat is rapid and i can't breathe. i've had a total of 12 1/2 hours of sleep in 4 days. i feel like i'm going to puke. there is something seriously wrong with me.
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| somebody shoot me? |
[04 May 2007|09:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bitchy |
] |
i've had one hour of sleep and i can't sleep... everything hurts and i'm sick as hell. i've been taking as much ib profen and tylenol that i'm allowed to take/which is why my stomach is so upset.
*click boom*
arg
alkjdflakjdlkfjalkj
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| lyrics |
[03 May 2007|02:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
daughtry - it's not over |
] |
Daughtry - It's not over
I was blown away what could I say
It all seemed to make sense
You’ve taken away everything
And I can’t do without (or is it i can't deal with that?)
I try to see the good in life
But good things in life are hard to find
(Chorus)
Blow it away, Blow it away
Can we make this something goooood
Well I'll try to do it right this time around
Let’s start oveeerr
I'll try to do it right this time around
It's not oveeerr
There’s a part of me that’s dead and in the ground
This love is killing me, but you’re the only one
It's not overrrrr
(Chorus)
Taken all I could take and I cannot wait
Were wasting to much time
Being strong holding on
Can't let it bring us down
My life with you means everything
So I won’t give up that easily
(Chorus)
Blow it Away, Blow it Away
Can we make this something gooood
Cause its all misunderstoooood
Well I'll try to do it right this time around
Let’s start over
I'll try to do it right this time around
It’s not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground
This love is killing me
But you’re the only one
It’s not oveeeerrr
(Chorus)
We can’t let this get away
Let it out, let it out
Don’t get caught up in yourself
Let it ouuuuttttt
(Chorus)
Let’s start over
I'll try to do it right this time around
It’s not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground
This love is killing me
But you’re the only one
It’s not oveeer
Let’s start oveeeerrr
Its not oveeerr, Oh yeah, yeah!
This love is killing me
But you’re the only one
It’s not oveeerrrr.....
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| life |
[01 May 2007|09:02pm] |
|
___________________
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